I am so sick of not being honest.
Now, I don’t mean that I walk around lying to everyone all day long……but, well actually, I do. And I lie to myself, almost non-stop, about so many things.
And before you get all shocked and critical and start judging me, realize that you do it to. I mean it. You and I are liars. We are ALL just a pack of big, fat liars.
I’d like to think of myself as an honest, upfront person, but deep down, I know I’m not. I lie everyday by not accepting and acknowledging ALL of me. I lie to you by not telling you everything about me, about my past, my thoughts, my feelings, my doubts, my desires and my fears. By not setting boundaries, and speaking up for myself. I lie by not being honest, always.
This might seem obvious, but we think that if we don’t actually speak a lie, then we aren’t lying, when, actually, if we are keeping anything secret, if we hold back in any way, it’s a lie.
And I don’t want to do it anymore.
I think it’s making me sick, like, actually, physically sick. My stomach gets all messed up and my digestion is a shambles. The less honest I am, the smaller I get, and the more fear I feel around people “finding out” about me. It’s exhausting. It feels like I am torturing myself every single day. In not acknowledging and talking about all of me, all my truths, I disown myself. I become more and more disconnected. I’m telling myself I am flawed. Unlovable. That I’m not worthy of connection, of belonging, of being seen, and held and accepted.
I often think other people are lying to me, that they have a secret agenda, that they don’t really care about me, or love me, or want to spend time with me.
When someone says they need to speak with me, this feeling of panic and guilt rises up inside – “What have I done? What have they found out about me?” even though I’ve not actually done anything untoward.
Do you know how tiring this is??? Constantly watching myself and what I say, constantly guessing when you will find out my dirty little secrets, when you will see my shadow, and what the fallout will then be.
This might seem crazy to you, but I guarantee you have the same thing going on, you just aren’t aware of it yet. Or maybe you are, but you think, “That’s just the way it is. Everyone lies. It’s not that big a deal”
And maybe it’s not that big a deal for you, but I am done. Living like this is crushing me; it feels like a vice around my heart, around my spirit, and it just keeps getting tighter and tighter. It’s affecting my relationships and my business, and I can’t do it anymore.
I am busting out!
I am starting a Lifetime of Honesty right here, right now. I’m starting to own all of me; the shiny parts I’ve shown to you, and the rusty, dirty, ugly, smelly parts I’ve kept well hidden. Yep, they’re coming out too. I warn you, some of what you hear from now on may offend you. Please know that’s not my intention. You’ll probably judge me. You might lose respect for me. You might hate me. You could fire me. You might want to friend-divorce me. And that’s ok.
No matter how confronting it is for you, or how you choose to react, it’s totally ok. Perfect even. It won’t matter because I’ll respect me, I’ll love me, I’ll accept me.
I’ll still love you. I’ll just love me more.
So, enough about me, I’d love to hear from you! Leave me a note in the comments below and let me know;
- What are 3 specific situations in your life, right now, where you are not being completely honest?
- What is 1 thing you could do, for each of those situations, to change that?
- What’s the one thing you are most afraid of others finding out about you?
Take a deep breath. Exhale. It’s totally ok. You’re safe. And even with all your secrets, you’re perfect, and loved.
(Ps: I’m scared too!)